Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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