The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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