Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i out mim tonsoeep
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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