The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
