The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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