we made out on top of his cat.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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