I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
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I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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