I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize