I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
