Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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