Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
