you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
