OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
