her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
