Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
