I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
