i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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