I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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