I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
