I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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