Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
