It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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