i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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