I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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