my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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