Will you blow on my dice?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
