told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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