dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
