my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Mom said you looked used
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.