just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
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I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
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He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument