You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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