I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
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found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops