i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
