I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
