singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
