Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
