Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
