At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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