you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
