Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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