I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
