If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
