how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
