Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
