I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
