Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
