it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
