I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
