I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
