Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
