WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
