Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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