I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
