You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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