I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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