You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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