Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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