Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
