FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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